I finally got it worked out, I don't know how but at some point minecraft allowed loading java... 181 into it and it fixed it all.. for the most part.. I'm sorry I can't tell you the answer to your question, because I'm not sure what caused it. all my issues poofed when 181 loaded it saw my memory and accepted the changed I made to the mod cache.. ? it is working ok now..
I can tell you that after the other vers of java loaded, there was a short disc of the new program they added says it Set Minecraft 32. what that means I am unsure but it would seem to mean that minecraft was not going to see my memory of 12Gig because 32 bit is restricted to a little more the 2 Gigs.